Hi – Paula here. Creator and founder of Evolution Coach, Storyu.live and paulaboylan.com
This is one story about conscious evolution. May it provide a level of guidance as you journey.
In 1987, I said “I Do”
In 2007, I said “I Don’t”
In 2017, I said “I AM”
I am awake
I am over the shame of self-betrayal
I am living an authentic life
I am forgiveness, compassion, realization
I am self-love
I am transformed
I am in right relationship with my self
I am in right relationship with my twin soul
When I said “I Do” in 1987, I was unknowingly hoping my now ex-husband would heal the wounded child within. My ex was hoping for the same from me. The majority of people who say “I Do” are subconsciously looking for another to heal the unfinished business they have with childhood shame and guilt. The wounded child is an aspect of being human, and it’s a trait we all share.
Prince Charming can’t awaken the sleeping princess with a kiss. The only one who can awaken the princess is the princess herself. It takes self-healing to accept and understand that there are no victims and there are no saviours in this life. We are all just wounded children trying to heal, well into adulthood. The bigger the wound, the more pain we gift another with. We do this in the misguided hope they will take the pain away for us.
Falling in love feels amazing; doesn’t it? But those raging hormones trick us in to believing that we have finally found the magical ‘other’. The one who can make everything in life OK. That heady rush of new love doesn’t last though. When the bloom is off the rose, the fairy tale now contains 2 wounded players. When they realize the other can’t save them, there is hell to pay. Sex is withheld. Intimacy withers. Respect leaves. Abuse, or a dis-honouring of the self and ‘other’ occurs. Children get hurt. Economic structures are affected.
In my story…I gave my power to another in the search for the unrequited love I didn’t receive from my father when I was a child. (Sidebar – I understand my father was also trying to heal a wound. No daddy issues left here :) I don’t pretend to know what ‘wound’ my ex was hoping to heal through his relationship with me. Only he can uncover that.
Our world understands duty and sacrifice. I used to buy in to that as well. I did what it took to try and make my marriage ‘work’. The chains that bound me…’Til death do us part, the dogmatic sanctity of marriage, for the sake of the kids, not to be seen as a failure, the usual litany and then some…
By year 4 in the marriage, the increasing stress I felt led me to begin a daily meditation practice. I began using brain wave entrainment, I did yoga, I journaled, I attended counseling (personal and couples). I tried very hard to save our marriage. I actually wondered if the house would sink under the weight of all the relationship books I bought, read and learned from. I tried to change my thinking. I changed my behaviour.
I couldn’t become what he needed though, and I was losing myself in the process. I developed migraines and intestinal issues. Finally – after 20 years of trying, I gave up. I raised the white flag. I cried Uncle. In 2007, I said “I Don’t”
I realized that a release of shame and blame could not take place while we were in relationship. I would need to gift my self with the space needed for peace to enter. I made the decision to have little to no contact with my ex during this process.
Then the real journey began. I made a vow to myself this time. I would do what it took to heal. I was going to forgive. I was going to find compassion and love for myself. The world’s notions of duty and sacrifice were taking a back seat to my need to find and live an authentic life. I knew that if I didn’t do this, I would invite the exact same energy I experienced in my marriage in to my next relationship. I also knew I would rather be alone than experience the same again.
I used my training in psychology, my counseling background, my spiritual practices and my willpower to face my inner wounds. I developed tools to see my self and my life clearly. I sat with the pain of my wounds until they no longer had a hold over me.
It took 5 years before I felt ready to invite another in to my life. It was time to see if my wounds could stand up to the reflection of an intimate relationship. When I was ready, my beautiful twin soul manifested. Robert had chosen to take a break from relationships for 10 years as he journeyed to his own place of healing.
The relationship Robert and me share is loving and beautiful, but we are not wound free. We are after all human. What we are able to do as awakened beloveds is to recognize our wounds when they are triggered. We give each other space to work through them. A loving ear, a compassionate word, a warm embrace and ‘room’ to grow underlies the unconditional love we share and nurture in one another. I could never hurt Robert; I would be hurting me. I sense the oneness of all in this truly sacred union.
These 30 years have been a blessing. I have found a way to develop unconditional self-love and self-compassion which I freely share in all my daily relationships. It’s becoming easier to extend this feeling of unconditional love and compassion to all members of the human race.
My daughter had a car accident on March 11, 2017. Thankfully she wasn’t seriously hurt, but it meant both her Dad and me traveled to be with her. It had been 10 years since the end of our marriage and 7 years since I had last seen my ex. My marriage was a painful catalyst for my growth. I wondered what would be triggered in me when we met again.
I’m so glad I saw him. The emotional charge was gone. I thought he would always have power over me. I realized that the power I thought he held over me was indeed a prison of my own making. I had betrayed the self by giving my power to another. It was never about him. He was just the reflection of what I needed to overcome.
I am transformed now. I could never betray the self again. It’s now time to help others live in to a truly beautiful relationship with the self and other.
In 2017, I said “I AM “ now the teacher who has come to terms with her own wound, I am now ready to guide others to the same.